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A Comic's View: If The Animals Could Talk To Farmer Minnis

By INIGO 'NAUGHTY' ZENICAZELAYA

In the days following the outbreak of COVID-19 at the Grand Barn, many areas of the Farm started to deteriorate quickly. Farmer Minnis held a meeting on a Friday and told all the animals that he would lock down the farm for the weekend starting on Saturday.

“No more than FIVE animals at weddings or funerals!” Farmer Minnis said, causing the sheep and goats who had planned ceremonies to baa, bleat and boo in displeasure. When the animals learned Farmer Minnis allowed a visiting group of American Boulonnais to throw a spectacular wedding feast with teams of horses, swimming pigs, Junkanooing flamingos, no masks and no social distancing, some went mad.

“Why do they get special treatment?” the hens clucked. “Why can’t we do what the visitors can on our own farm?” the bulls bellowed. That’s when the Andalusian, that fancy horse who controls the comings and goings on the farm, stepped forward and neighed: “It was I who gave them permission. But pay that no mind, I’ll do the same for you -but probably not - if you ask me nicely next time.”

Bravis, the Mountain Goat who led the faction opposed to Farmer Minnis and his top animals, called a meeting and bleated: “Look how badly they treat us! Farmer Minnis must answer for this!” That’s when the top horses, all on Farmer Minnis’ team, sent the bees out to buzz about how Bravis had requested a special wedding favour for his friends too.

It was at that moment the animals started viewing Farmer Minnis and all his top animals on the farm with suspicion. Bravis and his faction were viewed with suspicion as well.

By the next week, the number of animals infected with COVID-19 had doubled. Then tripled. Then quadrupled and more. “Where is Renny the Racehorse?” the ducks quacked. “He’s the new farm doctor but we can’t find him anywhere!”

“Perhaps he trotted off,” the buzzards laughed. “We should too. This farm is broken and, worse still, it’s going broke!” they snarled.

The seagulls were upset because the gazillion conch they had fished up for the farm lay rotting, unsold. For some reason, Farmer Minnis had forbade the seagulls from selling the usual way. Desmond the Draft horse, who was put in charge of the fireflies, threatened to withhold light from any animal who could not ‘pay up,’ even though many animals no longer had jobs. The Andalusian then issued - before rescinding- orders barring the native farm animals from seeking a temporary escape in the farm’s hotel barns. “He only cares for visiting animals!” the dogs barked. “Why are we treated so unfairly?” they howled.

On the animals’ yearly holiday to celebrate their freedom, Farmer Minnis ordered the farm completely locked down. “You can only shop for feed three days a week. Other than that, stay in your styes, pens, dens and nests. Keep to your hills, hives, huts and holes!” he decreed. “As for the gates to the farm... uh... let’s just leave things as they are, open!”

The animals were becoming angry. Farmer Minnis had many problems on his hands.

The security boars, who patrolled inside the farm, were getting sick with COVID-19. The warthogs, who patrolled the border of the farm, were getting sick with COVID-19. The sparrows, those nursing birds, were getting sick with COVID-19. The Grey parrots, learned in healing, were getting sick with COVID-19. Some of these animals left their posts, upset Farmer Minnis and Renny the Racehorse were not protecting them from COVID-19.

“We can’t afford another lock down!” the bulls bellowed.

“Farmer Minnis, how will we pay our bills and rents?” the cows mooed.

“We’re running low on feed donations,” the doves cooed.

“Too many of us are sick,” the sparrows worried.

“This place is a police farm!” the pigeons warned.

“Where are the owls? Why won’t they help us?” the ducks quacked.

The animals wanted to be free of COVID-19, and there was much confusion on the farm. So much so that some started to listen to Stella, a foreign Grey parrot who tried to convince the animals all their healers were actually trying to kill them! Meanwhile, the virus was still spreading fast while the top animals (including the farm doctor, Renny the racehorse) were silent. “What will Farmer Minnis do?” the sheep baaed once again.

Then a single voice rose above the noise, “No. It’s time to ask, ‘what will we do?’”

• To be continued

Comments

Clamshell 1 year, 5 months ago

Hey, dumbazz ... did it not dawn on you to put a note at the top explaining that this is Part II of a tale you started to tell a couple of weeks ago? Gawd, no wonder all your “jokes” fall flat. I mean ... really, really dumb.

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truetruebahamian 1 year, 5 months ago

There is no need to be uncivil. Look at the meaning of this parable.

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Clamshell 1 year, 5 months ago

Sorry ... I’ll admit that I react poorly to stupidity from people who should know better — like the “professional” editors and writers at this newspaper. Some days they barely even try ...

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DDK 1 year, 5 months ago

Nice farm satire, Naughty! Quite right. on😂🤣😂 Think Farmer Minnis may be a bit hard of hearing!!!

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tribanon 1 year, 5 months ago

LOL. Truly entertaining stuff.

I found it even more hillarious reading an article in today's Tribune about Acting Deputy Magistrate Andrew Forbes fining some poor singer $300 for the use of language that purportedly caused public terror. This begs the question: Is our most 'incompetent authority", who has quite literally terrorized us time and time again with his ridiculously irrational and arbitrary orders, immune from being charged and fined for having caused so much public terror?

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DWW 1 year, 5 months ago

the tiniest of things, the invisible little bug has brought the human race to its knees. for all our intelligence and trick is naught when up against human behaviour and the little bug

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professionalbahamian 1 year, 5 months ago

Love it! Keep it coming- maybe some will catch on.

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IAmOne 1 year, 5 months ago

Lol. Not gonna lie I love reading your weekly installments Naughty. Keep up the good work man. Some people slow to catch on but I suspect even the slowest ones will see how tragic and comical this whole episode has been.

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sheeprunner12 1 year, 5 months ago

Want to hear about the reaction and revelations of the barn owls on da Farm .................

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